As much as I would love to take credit for the following, I cannot. None-the-less, I am compelled and equally responsible to share the following story.
We are all aware of how competitive the technology sector is. Most recently we have found out about Apple having a new I-Phone that was left behind at a bar and subsequently, compromised by rival tech factions (imagine a hybrid of Transformers followers and paparazzi).
But it's what you didn't hear about that is the most intriguing. Apple has a new phone that is impervious to water, chemicals, and yes...even our good friend "number 2".
The story goes something like this. A buddy of mine (We'll name him...Duke) was enjoying a nice movement while listening to a wide variety of music, surfing the net, and checking e-mail on his I-Phone. Long gone are the days of simply reading a Readers Digest or Sports Illustrated while passing the time and passing something else. It seems a bit redundant but I'll say it anyway; if you can't multi-task while taking a shit, you're not... shit!
So after checking scores, replying to the gentleman from Africa who just so happens to come from royalty and wants Duke to be the caretaker of his millions, and letting Mother Nature run her course, it is now time to clean up (always remember, sack to spine) and resume the day's activities.
It's at this point that Duke places his I-Phone on a small shelf roughly two feet above the toilet. In continuing to paint this picture, I will describe the various heights and lengths of everything involved in the upcoming and critical portion of this story:
Toilet - 2 feet high
Shelf - 2 feet above toilet
Headphone cord - 2 feet
Duke when standing - 6'4"
Take just a moment to do the math and visualize it.
So just prior to "clean-up" Duke places his I-Phone on the shelf above the toilet. Once clean-up has taken place, Duke opts against the Sit & Flush, and instead goes with the Stand-Turn-Look-N-Flush. It's at this time that the Laws of Math come into play. Being that Duke is 6'4" and the total height of the toilet, shelf, and headphone cord is only 6 feet, something has to give.
As Duke stands, the combination of his head bobbing to the music and the lack of any remaining cord, jerk his I-Phone from the shelf and on a direct path to the dark and murky waters below. As in many life and death or, situations that could cause us a shit load of embarrassment, Duke realized the magnitude of what was occuruing and did what any normal person would do in seeing their $300 investment head straight down the toilet, he swung violently and recklessly in an attempt to knock the phone off course and away from what was surely to be a segment on, Dirtiest Jobs. By his own recollection, Duke got five to six swings in to which I equate to Keanu Reeves in The Matrix where his fists are moving so fast they actually become a blur.
And then like the return of the Apollo crew, there was splashdown. Duke said that his phone didn't cut off immediately as he watched it being consumed by all that had been left behind. As if the phone was the Titanic itself, it had first encountered little resistance in going through the toilet paper but, it was the deadly collision with the large brown ice-berg that jettisoned the phone sideways and into a different position causing the water to overtake it.
Frustrated and in shock, Duke figured he had one choice and it had to be quick. Without reservation, Duke thrust his hands into the water and fished his phone back out in time to see the remaining part of his display screen short out.
Disappointed but not done, Duke quickly knocked off the larger chunks of "debris" off his phone and immediately followed by dousing it with the All Purpose Cleaner 409. After some time and several failed attempts to restart the phone, Duke decided to head into the local Apple Store to see what he could do.
The part time college student, part time employee was eager to help Duke before Duke was able to truly explain what happened. Upon Duke displaying the phone to the worker and stating that is was broken, the worker (We'll call him Ted) immediately took the phone from Duke's hand and begin to handle it saying, "So what happened?'
"Uh, it fell in some water while I was listening to music" Duke replied
"Oh, so can you hear music on it anymore" Ted asked while moving the phone from his hand and up to his ear and around his face.
"Uh, I don't think so. I didn't really check" Duke finally said after trying to determine if he should laugh his ass off or throw up after seeing Ted move the I-Phone from hand to head.
Fast forward 2 hours and a new I-Phone later: Duke shows up to the office shaking his head and laughing at the same time. He shares the story of the day with me and we are both almost on the floor with tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. Duke tells me he bought another phone and a "waterproof case called the 'Otter'" to keep the same accident from happening again. I follow by telling him they should name the case "The Turtle" and he is not amused.
I then proceed to tell this stupid fucking Giraffe that there are a number of things instead of a waterproof case that will save him time and money if he really HAS to have his phone while taking a dump. After I notice him half listening to my suggestions I finish with, "or you could just turn the camera portion of the phone on, shove it straight up your ass, and at least save a few bucks while impressing your doctor by showing the ability to perform your own colon examination and save time and getting those pesky films developed".
It was at that point that Duke's phone actually turned back on. Unbelievably, Duke's phone turned back on and he was able to make a call. Naturally, I made him call me first because I wanted to see if everything he said would sound like a fart or that sound you hear from people when they try to talk underwater.
To my surprise and amazement, Duke's phone appeared to be back to normal with one exception. The only thing that was not able to stand the water, chemical, and shit cocktail he had exposed it to was the camera.
So much for saving money on that prostate exam.
